How to Know When Your Marriage Is Over

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Last Updated: November 7, 2022 References

Ending a marriage is never an easy decision, and it requires ample introspection. While every situation is unique, major warning signs, such as contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, could point to serious trouble. Look for red flags, assess your feelings, and try to identify your reasons for staying or going. With such a difficult decision at hand, it’s also helpful to reach out to trusted loved ones for advice and support.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Spotting Major Warning Signs

1
Spot signs of contempt, such as mocking, sneering, or hostile insults. Expressions of contempt are statements or nonverbal behaviors that attack someone’s sense of self. Contempt is motivated by feelings of disgust and intense dislike. Because of this, it’s one of the most serious signs that a marriage is on the rocks.^{[1]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[2]
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- Expressions of contempt might be insulting statements, such as “You're a loser,” “You disgust me,” or “You never do anything right.”
- Sarcasm and hostile humor are also signs of contempt.^{[3]
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  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
  Licensed Professional Counselor
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- Signs of contempt can also be nonverbal. You or your spouse might sneer or scoff when the other enters the room, or you might roll your eyes when the other one speaks.^{[4]
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  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
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- If you believe you or your spouse hold strong contempt for the other, it might be time to part ways. If you’re both willing to work on your marriage, a marriage counselor could help you create a more respectful environment.
2
Treat personal criticism as a red flag. All married couples complain about pet peeves, but criticism becomes an issue when it becomes personal. If you and your spouse routinely launch personal attacks and put-downs at each other, it's time to take action to improve your communication.^{[5]
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- For example, “I feel belittled and ignored when you don’t respond after I ask a question,” addresses an action. “You always stare into space when I’m talking to you. There’s something wrong with you,” is a personal attack.
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3
Take note of constant defensiveness. When one or both spouses make frequent personal attacks, being together feels like walking on eggshells. Ask yourself if you always feel the need to defend yourself, constantly anticipate being blamed, or automatically assume that your partner is about to insult you.^{[6]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[7]
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- Think about how often your partner seems to act defensively. Try to notice if either of you seem to constantly say things like “It’s not my fault,” especially without provocation.
4
Look out for signs of stonewalling. In order to resolve a conflict, a couple needs to maintain open lines of communication. Stonewalling, or when one or both spouses shut down, walk out, or give the silent treatment, is a sign of a serious breakdown in communication.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[9]
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- Keep in mind it’s okay to delay resolving a conflict until you’ve both calmed down. However, a partner should say, “I’d rather not discuss things right now. I think we both need a little time to cool off,” instead of just ignoring their spouse.
- Likewise, if you find that you keep failing to resolve things, that could be a sign of a larger issue. Disagreement can encourage growth if you're able to work through it as a couple, but it can quickly become unhealthy if the same issues persist.
5
Keep track of your positive and negative interactions. It’s perfectly normal for spouses in healthy marriages to argue. However, arguments and other negative interactions shouldn’t outnumber positive interactions. If you and your spouse fight more often than you show affection, it might be time to work on your marriage’s underlying issues.^{[10]
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- Likewise, it's important to keep track of how much quality time you spend together and whether you make an effort to make time for one another. In the moment, it can be easy to feel like you fight all the time, but that's not always true.
- As a general rule, there should be five positive interactions for each negative interaction. Positive interactions may include hugging or kissing, paying compliments, having a quality conversation, or having dinner together.
- Keep in mind an emotionally abusive person might offer expensive gifts or treat their partner like royalty most of the time. Forms of abuse, including physical violence, threats of violence, isolation, attempts to humiliate, and demeaning insults are always unacceptable. No positive interaction justifies abusive behavior.
6
Think about the quality of your conversations. Quality conversations are frequent occurrences in a healthy marriage. Think about the last time you and your spouse had an extended conversation about your feelings, opinions, or curiosities. If you and your spouse don't talk beyond terse conversations solely about necessary matters, it's time to address your situation.^{[11]
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- It’s normal to go through rough, stressful periods during which communication suffers. However, try to distinguish between not wanting to talk after a long day because you’re stressed and never wanting to talk to your spouse because you hold contempt for them.
7
Evaluate your emotional and physical intimacy. Some married couples aren’t intimate, and it works for them. However, if you and your spouse experience a steady decline in emotional and physical intimacy, you might be disconnecting from each other.^{[12]
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- Examples of emotional and physical intimacy include saying “I love you,” paying compliments, expressing appreciation, confiding in your spouse, holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and having sex.
- Again, dry spells are normal, but there’s a difference between not being intimate because you’re exhausted or stressed and not being intimate because you don’t like your spouse. Other indicators may include selfish behaviors such as one partner spending large amounts of money or making career plans without consulting the other.
- Breakdowns in communication and intimacy due to contempt or disgust are difficult to overcome, and might be signs that it’s time to go your separate ways.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Assessing Your Feelings

1
Make a list of what would save your marriage. Think of the steps both you and your spouse would need to take in order to save your marriage. Try drawing a line down the middle of a sheet of paper, write what you’d need to do on 1 side, and what your spouse would need to do on the other.^{[13]
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- For example, in your spouse’s column, you might write “Attend to my feelings more, be more intimate, express more love and affection.” In your column, you might write, “Use kinder language, stop making personal attacks, stop using work as a distraction from my marriage.”
- Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic. Do you believe you and your spouse can make these changes? Are you both willing to find a compromise?
- Keep in mind both partners need to make changes to save a marriage. For instance, even if your spouse was unfaithful, you both need to address the underlying reasons for their infidelity.
2
Notice if you fantasize about being single. Think about how the idea of a future without your spouse makes you feel. Do you frequently catch yourself thinking about being single, living alone, dating new people, and moving far away? If these fantasies bring you happiness or relief, your marriage might be on shaky ground.^{[14]
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- Bear in mind everyone daydreams and fantasizes. You shouldn't rush to end your marriage because you’ve wondered what it’d be like to live a different life.
- Ask yourself if the thought of separating brings you feel more bliss than the idea of staying together. Do you find yourself fantasizing more frequently and with greater detail? If so, and if there are other warning signs, it’s probably time to part ways or take action to save the marriage.
3
Figure out if you want to stay together because of fear. Do you want to stay with your spouse because you love them and want to pursue mutual goals? Or are you afraid of the financial and personal struggles you might face after separating? Try to be honest with yourself, and figure out exactly why you haven’t left yet.^{[15]
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- If you want to stay together because you love your spouse and want to pursue mutual goals, you’ll have a stronger chance of resolving your conflict.
- Separation and divorce are frightening, but a marriage held together by fear isn’t stable. Your friends and relatives can offer emotional and practical support. It might seem impossible now but, in time, you will get back on your feet.
4
Ask yourself if you’re only staying together for your kids. Being afraid that divorce will negatively affect your children is completely normal. However, children whose parents are divorced fare better than children whose parents remain in a toxic relationship.^{[16]
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- If your children are the only reason you’re staying with your spouse, ending the marriage might actually be in your kids' best interest.
5
Talk to a trusted friend or relative to gain a fresh perspective. It’s normal to feel conflicted, and there are no easy answers to your situation. Try reaching out to a loved one for advice. A good friend or family member might be able to help you understand your feelings.^{[17]
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- Let them know, “Sam and I have been having problems. Sometimes, I think it’s worth trying to work it out. Other times, I’m ready to pack my bags. I'm feeling so jumbled and overwhelmed, and I could use a friend to help me sort this out.”
- Bear in mind your loved one probably isn't a mental health professional, and you shouldn’t make decisions solely based on their opinion. However, putting your feelings into words can bring clarity, and a loved one who knows you well can shed light on your situation.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Talking to Your Spouse

1
Make your concerns about your marriage clear. If you haven’t already, you need to open up to your spouse about how you feel. Let them know things aren’t working, and you’re afraid that your marriage might be over. Try to be calm, and do your best not to seem angry or blame them.^{[18]
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- Mention specific issues, such as, “We don’t treat each other kindly anymore, and I can’t remember the last time we said more than 2 words to each other. We seem to hold resentment for each other, and I don’t think this environment is good for either of us.”
2
Establish whether you’re both willing to work on your marriage. If you or your spouse refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it, it’s impossible to save your marriage. One person can’t resolve a conflict on their own, so both of you must commit to fixing the marriage.^{[19]
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- If you’re willing to try to work things out, you might say, “We both have a lot of work to do, but I’m willing to put forth the effort. Will you consider seeing a counselor and trying to rebuild our connection?”
- As scary as it is, making yourself vulnerable could be a crucial first step. Your partner might not even know that saving your marriage is important to you.
3
Discuss goals and plans with each other. Problems arise when both spouses have polar opposite visions of the future. Having different goals doesn't always end a marriage, but you and your spouse need to find a way to compromise if things are going to work.^{[20]
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- If you both share the goal of trying to preserve your marriage, you have a stronger chance of reconciling. However, it might be best to part ways if one of you thinks their job, dating other people, or having more independence takes priority over the marriage.
- Other examples that might underlie your conflict include disagreements regarding where to live, whose career goals are prioritized, and whether or not to have children.
4
Seek marriage counseling, if you haven’t already. If you both decide to work on your marriage, you should see a couples therapist and consider seeking individual therapy. A licensed therapist can help you identify issues that underlie your conflict, develop skills to resolve disagreements without attacking each other, and provide an objective perspective on your situation.^{[21]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.}^{[22]
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- If you’ve been through months or years of counseling without much progress, it might be time to accept that ending the marriage is the best option.
5
Remain calm and patient if you decide to end your marriage. If you’re not willing to try to save the marriage, do your best to inform your spouse calmly and with sensitivity. Avoid bringing up divorce in the heat of an argument. Choose a time when both of you have cool heads, and do your best to be empathetic, but matter-of-fact.^{[23]
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- Try saying, “We haven’t been happy for a long time, and I don’t think it’s possible to bridge the gap between us. I’m thankful for the happiness we shared, but going our separate ways is the healthiest decision for both of us.”

Relationship and Conversation Help

Signs that It's Time to End Your Marriage

Talking to Your Spouse about Marital Concerns

Ways to Ask for a Divorce

Expert Q&A

Question

What is the single best predictor of divorce?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Contempt is the best predictor of divorce. A relationship dominated by contempt is very hard to deal with, especially if you don't visit a therapist. It's difficult to move from a contempt-filled place to a loving, happy, and healthy place without external help.
Question

How do you know if your marriage is beyond repair?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Your marriage might be beyond repair if the relationship feels completely flat-lined. There's no excitement in talking about the past and no looking forward to the future—instead, you and your partner are just going through the motions with no feelings.
Question

What destroys a marriage?

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Managing Director of The Counseling Hub, LLC, a group counseling practice located in Columbia, Missouri. She is also the Founder of and a Business Consultant with Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC, a consulting service for therapy practice owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method of relationship therapy with couples on the brink of divorce, who have conflict, or who feel disconnected from one another. Dr. Vossenkemper holds a BA in Psychology from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis, an MA in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in Counselor Education and Supervision from The University of Missouri, Saint Louis. She has also completed Level 3 training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy approach and has been formally trained in both the Prepare-Enrich Premarital Couples Counseling approach and the PREP Approach for couples counseling.

Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Abuse can absolutely destroy a marriage. A relationship should definitely be over when there's any kind of abuse going on.