How to Overcome Heartbreak

Reflection can help you recognize what you want and need in a relationship. Write down all of the aspects of the relationship that changed the way you thought or viewed things. Try to recognize both the positive and negative things you learned.

It might be how you handle an argument, what you need from another person, or what qualities are the most important to you in a partner.^[2] Focus on how you can change going forward so you can make your next relationship even stronger.^[3]

You can learn from bad experiences too. For example, you may realize that talking through issues calmly is really important to you if the other person tended to get argumentative.

Avoid taking the heartbreak personally since there are a lot of causes. It’s natural to take the blame for your breakup or broken heart, but it will only make you feel more negative. Remember that you may not have been compatible with that person or weren’t able to communicate your needs with one another.

Rather than blaming the heartbreak on a choice you made, look at the big picture and recognize that you were both trying your best and it wasn’t meant to be.^[4]

Do your best to avoid blaming the breakup on your ex as well since no one goes into a relationship with the intention of hurting someone else.

Working through what happened with others helps you process your feelings. At first, just socialize and do fun activities together so you can keep your mind off of the relationship. As you’re more comfortable opening up, tell your friends and family what happened with the relationship. Chances are they’ve been through something similar and may have some helpful advice.^[5]

• Just saying how you feel out loud can help you a lot to process your own thoughts.

Remembering why it didn’t work out reminds you the person wasn’t perfect. It’s really easy to think about all the good times you had with another person, but that makes you forget about their less desirable qualities.

Studies have shown that remembering the negatives can help you get over them faster.^[6] Make a list of issues that you noticed in the relationship and bad habits that got under your skin. That way, you get some distance and perspective so it’s easier to move on.^[7]

It might feel mean or unpleasant to list bad qualities from the relationship, but that’s probably because you’re idealizing the other person. Naming the negative aspects helps you remember why it ended and what wasn’t working very well.

Forgiveness empowers you to move on from any hurt the person caused you. Forgiving someone isn’t saying what they did was right, but it lets them know that you won’t be hurt by them anymore.

Remember that the decisions they made weren’t based on how they thought of you, but only based on what they’re going through. Try to look at it through the other person’s perspective so you can be more understanding and feel better moving forward.^[8]

You don’t even need to talk to the other person to completely forgive them as long as you’re able to move on from it on your own.

For example, you can write down what you want to say in a letter without actually sending it to them.^[9]

Hide anything that could stir up memories you made with the person. Gather any keepsakes or objects that remind you of the person and put them in a box. Put the box somewhere that’s out of sight and where you won’t think about it so you’re less likely to reminisce about your heartbreak.

Alternatively, give the items to a friend to hold onto so you aren’t as tempted to look.^[10]

• You could also throw away all of the things that remind you of the person if you really don’t want to hold onto them, but they may hold sentimental value. That’s why most people just keep them out of sight.
• Make a ritual of getting rid of the memories. For example, you could burn old notes or pictures from when you were together.^[11]
• Spaces in your home can bring back memories just like objects can. Try rearranging your furniture or putting on a fresh coat of paint on the walls to change it up and make new memories.

Following a set structure helps you take your mind off things. Since a broken heart might make it seem like there’s not as much stability in your life, try to schedule your days going forward.

Try to find a set time to wake up and go to bed every day and try to plan your meals and activities around the same time so you seem more put together.^[12]

Schedules help you maintain a sense of control over your life after getting your heart broken.

Focus your energy on what you love to fill up your time. Since you don’t have to worry about freeing up your schedule for another person, do activities that you love or have always wanted to try. Try your hand at an intramural sport, pore over your favorite book, or play through a new video game you’re excited about.

Reconnecting with your interests helps a lot to move on with your life and grow as a person.^[13] Look for community classes or enthusiast groups in your area so you can find people who enjoy the same things as you.

Relieve your stress with some regular workouts. Sitting with your thoughts could make you feel more disappointed. Exercise increases your serotonin so you’re in a happier mood and feel energized.

Try to squeeze in 30 minutes of exercise, like jogging, swimming, or weightlifting, every day to help you balance your emotions.^[14] Exercise also helps you feel in control of your mind and body so you’re less likely to feel hurt by the other person.

Reaching out to the person could bring up old feelings. It’s tough not messaging or calling someone that you care about, but do your best to avoid any form of communication.

If you need to, delete or block their number so you aren’t tempted to reach out to them. You need the space and distance away from them to really process how you’re feeling and move on from them.^[15]

If you can’t bring yourself to delete their number, change their name in your contacts so you can’t find them when you feel the urge to chat. Avoid asking your mutual friends about how the other person is doing as well.

Studies have shown that you might feel more stressed looking the person up on social media.^[16] Since it might sting seeing their posts, consider unfollowing, unfriending, or blocking them.^[17]

It’s okay to feel sad or upset for a while when you’re heartbroken. Everyone takes a different amount of time to move on from a broken heart, so don’t worry about how long you’re still feeling down.

Allow yourself to be upset and cry as much as you need to so you can feel better. Give yourself a day to grieve and you might be surprised by how much better you’re feeling.^[18]

It usually takes around 3 months to fully move on, but it could take longer. Take things slowly so you don’t rush into something you don’t want.^[19]

You might still be friends as long as you don’t have other motives. We know that losing someone close to you can be hard since they were a major part of your life. Really think about why you still want to stay connected with them, and if it’s because you want to get back together, maybe reconsider seeing them.

If you feel like you’ve completely moved on from the person that broke your heart, try reaching out to them again to see if they want to talk or get a coffee with you.^[20]

Avoid rushing into a friendship immediately after a breakup since you might fall back into old patterns or routines.